Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Showing support and week 10 (tic tac tic tac HM coming up)

Week 10...seriously? I am getting a little nervous...we are now in January, my Half Marathon is in January.  When I signed up it was in another year and it seemed so far away and now it is almost here...in 3 weeks at this time I will have done it.  But before that I will turn 26  hmm 42 but who is counting after 40 right?  And I will go see HOOD TO COAST!

Today I ran 5 miles...back at the Gym where they have an insane amount of new members...

WEEK 10:

Mon: Strength and stretch
Tue: 5 miles
Wed: 3 miles or cross:
Thu: 5 miles + strength:
Sat: 60 min cross

Sun:  9 miles:
total: 22 miles
I love reading all of your blogs, some make me laugh, some teach me new things about running and life, some make me think.
Yesterday I read a post from Janae over at The hungry runner girl and I wanted to post and show some support.  First if you don't follow her you must go over her blog and I am sure you will hit that follow button real quick!  She is always very entertaining and interesting, the girl ran a marathon "by accident" last week...I am not kidding.  If that is not enough to make you a little curious then I give up!   She always has a ton of pictures of delicious food that I cannot even eat (more on that later) and I still read her blog...
She posted yesterday about weight, not lifting weights but her weight.  You can read her post and see what she had to say on the subject. 
I don't have an eating disorder now, in another life when I was in high school I did a little but nothing extreme, I was on the swim team at elite level and being thin was the way to be.  Since I am a dinosaur and high school is so far away..this is not relevant anymore.

Now I do have eating and weight issues. 
I have written about this a little bit in previous posts so I will not go into great details.   In 2009 I was about 75 lbs heavier then I am now.  I also had 2 surgeries, one hysterectomy and a gallbladder removal.  The GB problems were misdiagnosed and caused me to developed severe GERD (acid reflux) and gastritis.  The doctors told me I had a muscle injury and told me to take Advil.  That caused a lot of damages to my stomach and oesophagus.  Between the time I was misdiagnosed and the surgery,  I had lost maybe 25 lbs because I was eating less and less.  At the end I could only eat apple sauce.  I was told that after the surgery I could be back to eating normally.  I had the surgery in November of 2009.  I still cannot eat normally.  I cannot eat any fat or any food that can cause heartburn.  That limits the choice considerably.  So the result of all these boring (sorry) problems combine with me taking on running led to loosing 75 lbs in about 8-9 months. 

I did not want to loose that much weight.  The honest truth is the first 30 lbs had to go.  Nobody can loose that much weight without having some excess to begin with.  I had excess after back to back pregnancies (my boys are 18 mos apart) so I was happy at first.  But not anymore.
I get all kinds of comment that I could do without and this is why I am writing this, to support Janae who was on the receiving end of some negativity.  Nobody needs that.   

I get the comments that people think I want to hear but that are now making me a little sad. Those like "keep it up, great job, I am so proud of you" do they want me to disappear? because if I keep it up I will.  I am 5'11" and I am now size 4 (used to be size....drum roll....16)..I weigh about 135 now according to my Dr I should weigh 155.  Those are just numbers I know..does not take in consideration the frame of the person and activity level.  I also get this and to me it is the worst "Ah I wish I had problems like you so I could loose weight!"  No you don't. It sucks.  I think our society is so focused on sizes that it makes people (women) loose their minds over looks and they are now willing to sacrifice their health to look like the airbrushed picture of the girl they see on the cover of the magazines who cannot stop running stories about magic weight loss of any celebrity who drops some pounds.

Then I get the other kind of comments that I call the negative crap that I don't need.  "you are too skinny"  "you need to eat more of this and more of that" "why do you run so much?"  "are you anorexic?" (from the dentist assistant who barely knows me)  "I can see your spine through your clothes"  "Your face will start to look old" (from dear old dad over Christmas)  "You need to see a shrink" 

The worst is to go out to eat.  At home I know what is OK for me and will not make me sick.  I eat the same things all the time but at least I don't get sick.  It sucks but I have kind of accepted it has to be like this for now anyway.  During the holidays my parents were here to visit.  We went out 4 times.  2 out of 4 places were OK and 2 had nothing for me to eat on their menu.  My first instinct was to not order anything and eat later at home.  At the first place people convinced me to order some blueberry pancakes...so I did.  Big mistake.  The second time it happened I looked at my husband to let him know I would not order and I could tell he was angry (really?) last thing I needed in front of my parents.  He started to suggest stuff from the menu I knew I could not eat without getting sick.  I still said no and I could see him rolling his eyes and getting really annoyed so I caved again and ordered a spinach salad with some dried cherries (hello heartburn) and glazed nuts and a dressing I should not have.  Well that night I was in bed at 7 pm and feeling really ill. 

The next morning I was a little better after a bad night and my parents were concerned and I lost it.   I cried at the breakfast table and I told them all this is not a joke and that I would love to be heavier and be able to eat more things like everyone else but NO FOOD  is worth being sick like this.  I know they all mean well and they want to help but sometimes not saying anything is the way to go. 

Sorry this was so long.
All this to say: "Janae you are not alone".  What matters is to feel as good as we can and to take care of our body as best as we can.  To accept that people come in all shapes and sizes, I have been too big it is not the way to go for sure.  I want to be healthy for my kids that is the only thing I care about.  Balance is key and hard to achieve sometimes.


Christine said...

Thanks for sharing your story, I can only imagine how difficult this must be. I hope you will feel better soon!

XLMIC said...

Awww, Caroline! (((hugs)))

Eating/food issues are so not fun. I can't eat a lot of things because so many things trigger migraines for me. Wheat, sugar, chocolate, most nightshades ... just to name a few. I know what you mean that "no food is worth being sick like this." I want to feel good for my kids, too! So all the hard changes need to happen. (didn't mean to hijack... just to commiserate!)

Thinking of you as you get closer to your race! It's going to be a GOOD ONE!!!!

Pam said...

Thanks for sharing, Caroline. :) You're amazing!

Jenn said...

Wow-thanks for sharing! That sounds just terrible. I also had gall bladder issues after the birth of my second child. Not quite to your extent but the attacks were just TERRIBLE. I had it removed but still struggled with eating any fat. I also lost way too much weight and ended up with anxiety over anticipating an attack. That was 10 years ago and I don't really have too many food issues anymore. I sure hope things will gradually get better for you. How stressful....

On a happier note-only 3 weeks to the half!! Woohoo!! I'm excited for you:)

middleagedrunner said...

What a hard issue to deal with, I really feel for you and you are so brave for sharing!
I'm so excited for your race though! It's coming right up and you must be getting pretty pumped. Good luck and I can't wait to see how the last few weeks of training go!

abbi said...

Thanks for sharing your story. I can only imagine how difficult it must be when dealing with the negative comments (either side) and wanting people to understand. On the exciting note, I thought about you yesterday when I was updating the Distance Dreamers spreadsheet and saw just how close your half was - exciting!!

d said...

Hang in there...

And btw, it is "lose", not "loose". 8-)

I can lose weight, and then I have loose skin. 8-)

(I can relate because when I was 21 I lost thirty pounds.)