Dark Week

So it has been a rough week around here.
I feel like I am in a nightmare and I cannot wake up.
Like I am drowning and I forgot how to swim.
Like I am lost in a jungle.
Scared and Lost.
Tired...so so tired.

Monday I went to get my kids at 3 pm like always.
When I turned the corner of our cul-de-sac I saw Bill's red car parked in the driveway.
Right away I knew.
I knew that whatever was waiting for me inside was not going to be good.
And it was not.
I thought at best he has the flu and at worst someone died.
I came inside and he was talking to someone on the phone.
It was clear it was not the flu.
He ended the call and he came to hug me and said "I am sorry".   
I saw his face and I thought he came home to tell me someone in MY family died.

I wish he had the sent the kids upstairs....but they were standing there.....when this came out of his mouth:  "I lost my job".

My legs felt like Jello.  I sent the kids upstairs right away.  I was in complete shock.

After 9 years and working like a DOG for this company, it took his boss 3 minutes to inform him that they decided to let him go.

If you were reading my blog last summer  you might remember that he was working crazy hours (18-21 hours per day), he worked on almost all Holidays and in the last 3 years he managed to make it to the end of the year without taking all his 3 weeks paid vacation.  Last summer I thought the plan should be to look for something else while he still had a job. But it was hard to do that when he was home 3-4 hrs per day on a good day. 
Things got better after several stressful months.  I wanted to be supportive and not the nagging wife so I trusted that his decision to stay and not look for other opportunities was what was best.  He said he was blindsided.  I have to believe him. 

This reminds me of a professional coach getting fired because the team is on a loosing streak.  They always fire the coach.  It's never the players.  When the team does well, it is always because the players are playing great and it is never because the coach is doing a good job at coaching them.  He was the coach.  His boss is in New Jersey and he offered very little help during the crises.

I am going through a bunch of feelings..none of them are good. 
I would say I am in the angry and scared phase now.  I don't know how to handle this. 
I have cried a lot.  I have yelled a few times.  Cried some more. 
I have not slept more than maybe 2 hours each night. 
I worry.
I worry about my family, my kids, my marriage...everything...finances of course, health insurance, Christmas coming up....will we have to move if an opportunity present itself in another state...I worry.

I don't do well when I am not control. 
And I am so not in control of this. 
I cannot BE Bill.

He has been home all week and the silence is heavy. 
I am guilty of being in shut down mode.
I don't know how to "snap out of it". 
I need more time I guess.
This is not a vacation, he should not be home, I cannot be happy that he is because he is not supposed to be here.  He is supposed to be at work. 
I know that part of him is relieved to be out of that place.  I get it.  I do.  But that makes me angry at the same time, it would be different if he had quit. 
I also know that ZERO part of him wants to be at home right now.

This is hard. Now I know we are not the first people that his has happened to.  I know people are in worst situations.  I know all that. 

But this is not other people's blog it is mine and Monday morning everything was fine and at 3 pm it was not anymore.

The only time during my days that I have found some peace and was able to shut my brain off and not cry was when I went running.
But there's not enough miles to make this better.

running 1 hour
worrying 23 hours

You guys all have a good weekend.