Friday, September 28, 2012

Dark Week

So it has been a rough week around here.
I feel like I am in a nightmare and I cannot wake up.
Like I am drowning and I forgot how to swim.
Like I am lost in a jungle.
Scared and Lost.
Tired...so so tired.

Monday I went to get my kids at 3 pm like always.
When I turned the corner of our cul-de-sac I saw Bill's red car parked in the driveway.
Right away I knew.
I knew that whatever was waiting for me inside was not going to be good.
And it was not.
I thought at best he has the flu and at worst someone died.
I came inside and he was talking to someone on the phone.
It was clear it was not the flu.
He ended the call and he came to hug me and said "I am sorry".   
I saw his face and I thought he came home to tell me someone in MY family died.

I wish he had the sent the kids upstairs....but they were standing there.....when this came out of his mouth:  "I lost my job".

My legs felt like Jello.  I sent the kids upstairs right away.  I was in complete shock.

After 9 years and working like a DOG for this company, it took his boss 3 minutes to inform him that they decided to let him go.

If you were reading my blog last summer  you might remember that he was working crazy hours (18-21 hours per day), he worked on almost all Holidays and in the last 3 years he managed to make it to the end of the year without taking all his 3 weeks paid vacation.  Last summer I thought the plan should be to look for something else while he still had a job. But it was hard to do that when he was home 3-4 hrs per day on a good day. 
Things got better after several stressful months.  I wanted to be supportive and not the nagging wife so I trusted that his decision to stay and not look for other opportunities was what was best.  He said he was blindsided.  I have to believe him. 

This reminds me of a professional coach getting fired because the team is on a loosing streak.  They always fire the coach.  It's never the players.  When the team does well, it is always because the players are playing great and it is never because the coach is doing a good job at coaching them.  He was the coach.  His boss is in New Jersey and he offered very little help during the crises.

I am going through a bunch of feelings..none of them are good. 
I would say I am in the angry and scared phase now.  I don't know how to handle this
I have cried a lot.  I have yelled a few times.  Cried some more. 
I have not slept more than maybe 2 hours each night. 
I worry.
I worry about my family, my kids, my marriage...everything...finances of course, health insurance, Christmas coming up....will we have to move if an opportunity present itself in another state...I worry.

I don't do well when I am not control. 
And I am so not in control of this. 
I cannot BE Bill.

He has been home all week and the silence is heavy. 
I am guilty of being in shut down mode.
I don't know how to "snap out of it". 
I need more time I guess.
This is not a vacation, he should not be home, I cannot be happy that he is because he is not supposed to be here.  He is supposed to be at work. 
I know that part of him is relieved to be out of that place.  I get it.  I do.  But that makes me angry at the same time, it would be different if he had quit. 
I also know that ZERO part of him wants to be at home right now.

This is hard. Now I know we are not the first people that his has happened to.  I know people are in worst situations.  I know all that. 

But this is not other people's blog it is mine and Monday morning everything was fine and at 3 pm it was not anymore.

The only time during my days that I have found some peace and was able to shut my brain off and not cry was when I went running.
But there's not enough miles to make this better.

running 1 hour
worrying 23 hours

You guys all have a good weekend.





29 comments:

Darlene said...

Wow. I wish there was something to say to make you feel better. 4 yrs ago my hubby's place of employment closed after 25 yrs. fortunately our kids were grown and I work. We still struggle financially. Hope he finds a better job.

bobbi said...

Oh Caroline! I'm so sorry you are going through all this right now. I will be hoping and praying tjat he finds something quickly... something that will be better for you all. Stay strong...

Nelly said...

I'm really sorry to hear that. In this economy jobs are always tough out there.

If he was working that many hours a week, he must be really talented, or else the company wouldn't have asked him to work that much.

I think I said this the last time you posted about how many hours a week he was working, but those hours are simply insane. That is just not healthy or okay. So maybe think of it as a way for him to get a new job that has okay hours of only 8-10 hours a day like most normal people. I bet the gap between when he gets a new job will only be 1-2 months. Good luck.

Amanda@runninghood said...

I can only imagine how out of control you must feel right now. Scared. Angry. Panic. Loss. Gosh Caroline, I don't have many good words except to say that I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best.

Lisa said...

I know there are no magic words to soothe this pain. Sending good thoughts your way. I wish you well.

Michelle Dragoo said...

My husband lost his job a few years back, and I can relate to all of these feelings. He layed his head in my lap and sobbed, feeling like a failure. It was one of the worst times of our nearly 8 years of marraige. But have faith, and know with persistence he will find the 'right job' in the right time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

J. L. said...

I'm so sorry! My husband lost his job nearly a year ago. And it is "survival" mode. And I told many people the feelings that come out of that situation are similar to someone in the family dying...especially when you know he put in so many hours of overtime for the stupid job! Keep running, and stay healthy! Your kids need to see how strong of a mom they have. And keep talking to your hubby. The job search is tough, and so hard on a marriage, even a great marriage. Sending you my best wishes and we'll keep our fingers crossed.

Kate said...

Oh, Caroline, I'm so sorry your family is going through this. And it's so stressful to be at the mercy of circumstances we can't control. Frustrating, when we can't make some of these decisions but have to deal with the consequences. Wishing you peace and Bill the best of luck in his job search. I know this isn't the supporting role you would have chosen, and I hope it's a short stop for you. Hugs, my friend.

Jill said...

I knew exactly where you were going with this when you saw Bill's car in the driveway - I have lived this nightmare many, many, many times (my husband's been laid off 4x in the past 5 years....last Christmas we almost lost our house). IT is so hard and hard not to worry, but honestly, I think we got stronger after this craziness. You learn a LOT of valuable things in this process. I am truly, truly sorry you have to go through this but I will keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers that your husband finds something really REALLY soon!! Big hugs to you!!!!!

middleagedrunner said...

Thinking of you and your family. You guys are strong and you'll get through this, but how scary and frustrating for all of you...

Gracie said...

I'm sorry. I'll pray he finds a job quickly and that this challenge is a way for him to move on to something much better.

Christy @ My Dirt Road Anthem: A Runner's Blog said...

oh Caroline, I am so sorry to hear this. :(

I pray Bill will find another job soon and one that will be better for everyone. I am wishing you peace. Big hugs friend.

BabyWeightMyFatAss said...

Lot's of hugs and prayers for a positive new job prospect.

Like Jill we've been there, and currently still struggling to keep it all together.

A new and brighter future will be upon your family.

Elizabeth said...

Oh Caroline, I am so sorry for you. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I hope that Bill finds something quickly. I hate that saying that everything happens for a reason but maybe there is a reason and a light at the end of the tunnel. i know that doesn’t help at the moment-but i really do hope that is true. That he will find something quick and he will be happier at a new job. stay strong for him if you can. hugs.

Yo Momma Runs said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It's such a stressful time to not see what the future holds for you and to feel the current financial strain. I think most states have health insurance programs for kids that you would qualify for during this interim period. The sooner you look into it the better because sometimes applying is a long process. If you know that at least your kids are covered that can reduce some strain. I'm praying that he finds something soon.

RockStarTri said...

I was thinking about not commenting but hours later I feel that I need to.

A few points:
- While people have gone through similar situations to yours and Bill's, no one has gone through exactly what you are going through.
- The two of you need to be strong for each other. Guys often think it isn't cool to need help but sometimes we do. Remember how hard this is for him too.
- It will be hard.
- It will work out.
- Whatever you need from us, ask.

Pam said...

Oh, Caro. I am SO, SO SORRY that you are going through this. I think you are completely justified in going through all those emotions right now. It's a scary time. I'll be praying hard that he finds something better. Which quite frankly it sounds like ANYTHING would be better than where he was. I hope this is God's way of opening another door for you.

Boston Bound Brunette said...

This is tough but it happens. What makes it worse is that he has worked his butt off for these people and they have no guilt doing this to him. It will get better and your patience will be tested at this time. I will be thinking of you and if I can help in any way please let me know. I am right down the street.

Linda W. said...

So sorry to hear of your husband's job loss. I'm thinking good thoughts for you and your family. I do believe every cloud has a silver lining. Although things are rough right now, it will get better. You'll get through this!

{lifeasa}RunningMom said...

I am so sorry darling and sending lots of hugs. What a tough time indeed and I would feel exactly the same as you. I know you don't want/need to hear it will indeed all work out because that doesn't really stop the worries. But we are all here for you....and feel free to vent anytime!

Elle said...

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I have to believe that it means something better is around the corner for you and your family. It may take some time to show itself. Keep your eyes and your ears and your heart open. Try to stay close to your husband and remember he is your partner and you are in this together, as a family.

I wish only good things for you and that you find some comfort in each other and your family.

XLMIC said...

((((hugs)))), Caroline! That is so stressful in so many ways. I hope everything works out well...and he finds something truly awesome in every way really soon!

Mike said...

Wow, so sorry for you and your family. Not sure what to say except that I'll send some prayers your way. Hang in there.

What does Bill do? Maybe someone in your blog network knows of a good job.

kristen said...

I'm just catching up - how shocking. I'm so sorry. I really don't know what else to say other than that I will be thinking of you and your family and hoping that thing will work out quickly.

Sam said...

I'm so sorry that your family is going through this right now. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I'll keep you guys in my prayers. Hopefully your husband is able to find something soon.

Shannon said...

I am so sorry. I don't know what to say except that I am thinking about you and your family.

I had a dark time back in April with my 18 year old daughter so although it's not the same-I do know what pain feels like.

I'm praying for you and your kids and your husband and the stupid boss that let him go. :)

Shannon
http://www.irunreadteach.wordpress.com

dreambigrunner.com said...

I'm so sorry and I can not imagine what are you going through right now. I wish you a lot of strength and positive thinking to handle this situation. I totally believe that good things will happen to good people. Trust and believe!

lindsay said...

i am sorry to hear the news caroline! very frustrating how companies treat hardworking employees :( i am thinking of you and your family and hope bill finds something (that he likes and works well for your family) soon!

Christina Williams said...

So so sorry to read this. I understand all of the emotions involved and know these will be some trying times. Keep strong and many thoughts and prayers for you and your family during all of this. Hopefully he will be able to find a new position soon!